Happy Birthday Baby

• I am always so sentimental around my children's birthdays. So as I type this, I'm overcome with emotions. Ever since my daughter was born I have learned so much. You think your heart changes when you have a normal, healthy child. When you have a child with special needs you have a different kind of love. It's not that I love her more than my other child. Because in no way do I. My love for my daughter is a love that you can only understand if you have a special needs child. It's a love of full acceptance, no boundaries and cherishing every bit of everything your given with that child. Unconditional, uncertain and it's a gift that only parents of exceptional children can relate to.
• 
  Every year around her birthday I am flooded with memories of around the time she was born. Mostly good, but also some bad. When she was first officially diagnosed I couldn't cope. I wanted my healthy, normal baby girl that I was assured would arrive. During my pregnancy I was so sure she was different, I voiced my concerns to family, friends, my Doctor. Everyone assured me she was going to be fine, and that all moms worry. But I had a gut instict. This was different. She was special. And she is.
• When you are given a "diagnosis" like the one my daughter was given, it is like a death. You grieve for the baby you thought you had been given. As you hold your newborn, you learn to adjust to a different mindset no longer fast forwarding mentally to the college graduation, having a husband and starting a family of her own. Not that none of those things are impossible, because she has taught me there are miracles. Who knows what is in store for her? But all the things that you ponder with your "normal" kids don't pertain to a child with certain special needs. It's all about the here and now and setting up for the future, in case, God forbid, I'm not in it.
• But as much as her diagnosis was like a death, her life has been in some ways-a rebirth. From the diagnosis til now has been a roller coaster ride. Grief, acceptance, to full blown joy. She has shown me a love that I can't explain. She has taught me to celebrate each milestone, each small baby inch forward. She can't keep up with what peers her age are doing. As she grows older it bothers me less. Her happiness is my priority. Her smile, her laughter, that she knows her family love her as the perfect person that she is.
• I use to think why me? Now I wonder, how come I am so blessed? I have been blessed to be a caregiver to this angel on earth. That's what she is to me. She has taught me so many things about life. What truly matters. So every year on her birthday I feel like I am the one who gets the gifts. The gifts of another year with this precious girl. I am so grateful, daughter of mine, that you were given to this Mommy. I couldn't be more proud. You couldn't be any more loved.
• This birthday is a special one. I hope today you feel as special as you are, and I hope you know how special you have made my life. I love you, baby girl of mine.

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• I was given this shortly after my daughter was diagnosed. This is an essay written in 1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley about having a child with Down Syndrome, but I think it pertains to anyone who has a special needs child....

• WELCOME TO HOLLAND
• by Emily Perl Kingsley
• 
  I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability- to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this...
• 
  When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip -to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
  
• After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."" Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
  
• But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
  
• The important thing is they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
  
• So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
  
• It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills... and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
  
• But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy...and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
  
• And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
  
• But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ...about Holland.
  
• So thank you, baby girl. You've taken me on a trip of a lifetime. There is no other place I'd rather be.

Home Sweet Home

• Nothing better than the feeling of coming home. You've been away, you didn't realize you were homesick. Then you swing open that front door and feel an overcoming "ahhhhhhhhhh" sensation move through your body. You are so happy to be home...
• What is it about home that makes it so special? To me it's like security, comfort, surroundings that you love because of the sights, sounds and love in it. Your heart feels a little bit more at eaze at home.
• I have someone special in my life right now. He is absolutely amazing. He doesn't realize it, but he is. I wasn't looking for anyone when he came into my life. He wasn't looking for me, but at this point and time, we seem to be right-for right now. We love being around each other. We can be so silly together. We laugh so much. We are at eaze with each other. We have sooo many similarities with just enough differences. There are times I can't see him every day, and his voice alone has to fill that void. When I'm not around him, I'm missing him every minute. Kind of like a homesick feeling.
• This will not be a long post going on and on about how I feel. He knows. But I do hope he knows when he wraps his arms around me I get the overcoming"ahhhhhh" sensation that I have never have had before. So, so happy to be home....

Make A Wish...

• Do you ever make wishes? I bet many of you do. Not because you believe in them, but because it is fun pretending to believe in things that aren't real. That's why we don't step on cracks when we are little, that is why when we see a shooting star we get goosebumps. When we find a four leaf clover we feel like we found treasure. When we approach a wishing well, we look for extra change in our pockets. The realist in me knows these things aren't true but the child in me still loves the magic in it.


• No matter how old you are, when you blow out the candles on your birthday cake, don't you still secretley make a wish? I do. I think I will until I'm a hundred years old, if God's will is that I live that long.


• I've always wished for a bigger family. Growing up it was only my sister and I. But I always secretly wished for more brothers and sisters. Life doesn't always give you what you wish for, but it's so fun trying.But in some ways I have gotten my wish. What I mean by that is I have so many people in my life that aren't family by blood, but by love they are just as close as anyone I'm actually related to. I am speaking about two special loved ones inparticular. They have been in my life now for too many years to wrap my brain around. I can't imagine my life without them. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about how special they are to me. They are a couple that have been married 59 years this week and are pretty much inseparable. So I would like to use this opportunity to formally wish them a Happy Anniversary. Even though I know God puts us together with our soul mate and there is an unbreakable bond of love, there is something purely magical about the love they share. They know everything about each other. I have rarely ever seen them apart. They are a blessing to watch, and a joy to have in my family. They may be my sister's mother and father-in-law, but they are somehow my family too. They feel like they have been in my life forever.


• The lady of this beautiful couple's birthday is today. She is such a sweet, loving woman of God. Her voice calms you. She just has one of those beautiful sing-song voices. I bet she sounds like that even when she's angry. I have never seen her angry, but if she were, I bet she would still sound like she is singing a song from the Church Hymnal. For every situation she has a scripture. She is such a testament. I love her so much.


• I wonder what she will wish for on this 80th birthday. I know what I wish for her. 80 more. 80 more years of shooting stars, four leaf clovers, wishing wells and love, sweet love. Thanks for being in my life, Dear Ones. You are loved.

Happy Fathers Day...

• Dear Dad,
• Have I told you I love you recently? Well, I do. I love you more than you probably realize. I'm a daughter that says what's on her mind, and I have always tried to express it through my words. You haven't. But I still know completely how you feel and that you love me truly, fully and unconditionally. Do you know how I know? You made me feel loved. But you didn't do it through telling me. In fact, you haven't often expressed it through words like I so easily do. Since the fateful day of your stroke your words haven't come back as well. Although you have made miraculous strides your words are so hard for you to pull out of you mind and let fall out of your mouth. But what amazes me about you is I can see how much you love me in your eyes,(the beautiful blue eyes I was so lucky to inherit.) You are the kind of Father that never really has had to say, even when you were able, to say how you feel. So how do I know how you feel? Your actions. Your actions every day. Every day of my life.
• One of my favorite memories we shared is when I was a little girl, way before your speech was ever effected. Before Cancer, before your stroke, before you were a Grandpa, while your little girl still had your last name. You took me on a canoe trip, just you and me. I remember riding in the passenger seat of Grandpa's old blue truck. The one you still have to this day. It was a long drive there. I remember holding my baby doll, with my head on the pillow and sitting up and looking at you driving. You looked over at me. Then do you remember what happened? You smiled. I smiled at you and laid my head back down on my pillow. I was sleepy as we were traveling and I drifted off to sleep. You snapped a picture of me napping and I still remember that "moment" to this day. Did you think I would say the canoe trip was my favorite memory? No. It was a moment just between you and me and your smile that spoke a thousand words. You said I love you and I am happy you're my daughter. No words, just your eyes that have always spoken words your mouth never could.
• So Dad, on this Father's Day please think of that when you see me. When I smile your smile and look at you with your eyes God graced me with and give you the typical "Happy Father's Day!" exclamation and tell you I love you, know you don't have to say it back. I'm in the truck and I'm smiling at you and that says it all.
• Sincerely,
• Gina

Are We There Yet?

Don't you wish life came with directions? A map, which way you are suppose to go, when you should take that exit, and when you need to turn around and start over.

Sometimes in life we get pointed in the right direction, sometimes by our friends and family, sometimes by gut instincts. I think God always gives us signs along our journey, but maybe we've got the radio up too loud or the road sign that told us where to go was something we didn't think we need to pay attention to to get us there. Maybe we were following someone who we thought was going the same place we were, and we realized soon enough that their destination wasn't the one we wanted to arrive at.

I think there are times when we are on the right road, heading in the right direction, and we just run out of gas. No motivation to get us where we need to in life. That happens to a lot of us "life travelers", doesn't it?

Sadly, some are in wrecks along the way, on the right road, heading in the right direction, with plenty of gas to get there and tragically crash along the way. Obstacles can keep us from our destinations also. Even if we have every intent of getting there, knowing the path, being patient on the journey, something can block the highway to get there.

Passengers on our road of life can effect if we reach our destination in life. If they are wanting to go in a different direction, making too many pit stops. You know those kind of people. Not sure where they want to go in life, but not really being a positive traveling partner on this said trip. Some are hitchhikers. They don't really know what path they want to take in life so they hitch a ride with someone who does.

What journey are you on right now? Is this the road you want to be on? Are you happy about where you're going? Is your traveling partner helping you along these travels, and wanting to go in the same direction, or have they become the obstacle in the road that you will never get past to get to your final destination? So wherever you go, whatever you do, take your moral compass. Pack plenty of nourishment for along the way- love, trust, honesty and faith. Don't forget when you get lost...look up. When you have traveled the road, on the right path, you will be on your highway to heaven. The road, with all it's potholes, pit stops and unplanned stops. The Bible is your map. I believe in it's promises. I believe in His promises.

Don't forget, HE will leave the light on for you...

BLAHg Therapy

We all have good days and bad days. On bad days I normally can keep control of things. Most of the time I am like a magician locked within a straight jacket, working to get his hands free to release the power the mood has over me. That's all it is, a mindset. Moods, are all mental. Sure, people have have a way of doing something that will set you off and change the path your day is going, almost sending it down crap creek before you realize you are in charge of the oars. Today I am trying to get a hold of my own oars, put myself back on clear water and peaceful creek, and avoid the turbulent ride of the not so nice proverbial creek.

I have even turned to my Frank Sinatra today. Usually that can put me in a good mood. He calms me. Have I mention I love him? It's not like I listen to him and think, "Wow. He's a great singer." I just love his voice. It has a full blown calm me down effect. I popped his Greatest Hits CD in my CD player and you wouldn't believe what happened. Nothing. Nothing at all. Didn't even begin to lure me out from under my big black cloud of a bad mood.

So what do you do when life gives you a black eye and you wanna hit back? When your moods get all contorted into one tight ball of tension in your gut? Do you exercise out your frustrations? Do you have a favorite movie you watch? Do you have a friend that you call that calms you? After a long walk didn't work, then Frank Sinatra did nothing to shake me outta my funk, I came to my blog. I thought sitting down and just typing away would help.

I almost didn't post about my dirty rotten mood. But people ask me what my blog is about and I say, "Life." Well, I can't always be Miss Mary Sunshine if that's the case. This isn't a Utopia. Life is a mixture of good and bad and mistakes and lessons. It's got a dash of insanity and a hint of clarity. But all mixed together and shaken up it makes for a beautiful dish called Life Lessons. Today was a bad day. But the one thing you can guarantee in life is that you can't guarantee a thing. It's just a crazy thing called life. Good or bad, aren't we all blessed to have experienced it?

“Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace. And your best days are never so good that you're beyond the need of God's grace.”

I Wanna Hold Your Hand....

Are you a hand holder? I am. I'm a cuddley kinda huggy kinda kissey kinda gal. I love to be hugged and squished and love to smother the ones I love with love. I tell my kids I love them so much I wanna squeeze their guts out. I know, so loving and sweet talking gal am I :)

I love that I took my son to a movie last week and he reached out and held my hand. I know it was dark and no one dare see him holding his mother's hand, but I was thrilled. My baby is still my baby and still very affectionate towards me. I know it's probably not gonna last much longer; therefore, I enjoy every hug and kiss I get.


My daughter holds my hand and I cherish it. She has such smooth and soft skin. She is a knuckle rubber. If she rubs your knuckles you know she loves you. It's just a fact. Both my children are hand holders. Love that.


To this day when I'm sick I remember the feeling of being little and my mom holding my hand and comforting me. It seemed to make everything better. But I didn't just want to hold her hand when I was sick, I wanted to hold her alot as a kid. I still do. Sometimes if I get the giggles or I'm crying and grab her hand. Refer back to paragraph 1 on smothering the ones I love.

Love holding that man of mine's hand. Just the act of him holding my hand makes my heart race uncontrollably. Ahhhh, the power of love...


Anyway, what led me to this topic was a poem I ran across the other day. I wrote it about 12 or so years ago on the way to a wedding. I was riding with my family and bored in the backseat. The upcoming wedding I was about to see and the correlation of exchanging of the rings going through my mind made me think of the importance of our hands. So I wrote this poem. Nothing spectacular, but I wrote it only to be shoved in a poem file never to really be read except by my close family. So today, it's finding it's place on my blog:

• Hands

• Hands that use to play with dolls
• Hands that use to knit shawls
• Hands that turned pages to books
• Hands that politely met someone and shook
• Hands that argued by waving around
• Hands white in winter and in summer brown
• Hands that blistered from working hard days
• Hands that wiped tired tears away
• Hands that cooked, hands that cleaned
• Hands that cheered for her home team
• Hands to pick up babies and hold them tight
• Hands to tuck children in at night
• Hands to speak without voices
• Hands to point out choices
• Hands that use to do so much
• Can't even do small tasks and such
• She use to play the piano so great
• But now no one could appreciate
• She use to dance into the sun's glare
• Now she can't even comb her own hair
• Hands that traveled distant lands
• and for sixty years wore a wedding band
• Hands that once spoke all their own
• are withered up and softening bones
• As she lay in her hospital bed
• looking at her husband wiping tears he shed
• She motioned with her hands for him to come near
• She knew her time was finally here
• So to his loving wife he ran
• Her last words were, "Just hold my hand."